"For Michael"
(February 4, 1974 - July 27, 1993)

Just got the news last night
Someone could not wait to strike the barb
So straight into my heart
And damn me straight to hell
It hurt me like a kick to my groin
And I don't know what to do -
I never did

Before the crucifix I prostrate myself
Candles burning before the icon
Scent of burning wax and stale incense
Makes it seem like I smell my own flesh burning
Very strange yet familiar this connection to you in death

Deafening silence thundering in my ears
Sounds of life outside interrupting my utter grief
Life ticking on is so interruptive
(Almost like it shouldn't)
My tears burning into my face and stinging my eyes
Mortification for my sins
Purging my guilt - and my confusion
Though nothing in comparison to the tears you cried
Or the loneliness you must have felt
The despair we forced upon you
The world never gave you a break
And neither did we
And you did not know how to make your own

And though I am penitent
I am so undeserved of condolences
I will bear my sorrow in silence
Alone except for God.
God is everywhere, so...
Why did I have to come here to find him?
I wonder if you knew Him at all
Shouldn't I already know that?
Shouldn't you have known me?
I never cradled you in my arms
Another man did
I never taught you anything
Another man did
How can I criticize anyone
For anything to do with you?

Who am I?
No one to you
Just the seed planted
We stole your soul from God
And you were incarnated
Now he wants you back

It was never right
And now it never will be
Your ship could never launch
Because we deliberately anchored you
Your day will never come
For all the ones we stole from you
I pray that you will rest in peace
I know that I never will
I picture you a little boy in Mommy's arms now
For you are with her now -
The one who showed you love
The one you missed so much

Michael! I whisper your name like a prayer
All that I have caused you will haunt me forever
Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

1993 poetheart

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